The Secret Garden of My Heart

I believe that most people have a secret garden, that place that they keep locked up so that nobody else can get in.

The items in your garden are what has made you who you are today. There are things of the past that are no longer living, weeds that need to be pulled, new growth starting to sprout, and maybe a safe area that you can hang out and just be.

I come out of my garden to spend time with people, to walk their journey with them. I listen to their joys, struggles, and their hurts. Sometimes even to the point that my heart feels the warmth of joy their or aches with their pain because it is an area I can relate to. It is something from my garden, but I remain outside of the garden, I can not and will not let them in.

Why?

First, because I don’t want to be judged and I know that it is human nature is to do so and second because over the years every time I have let somebody in I end up getting hurt! I am so tired of being hurt and not being able to trust.

This can be a lonely place to be! On the outside, I look one way, very active in ministry and blessed by many people in my life, but on the inside, my garden is locked up tight. I will crack the gate and share “little” bits of what’s inside, but I will not let them in.

The BIG reality check, this pertains to pretty much everybody in my life, my friends, my family, and I am realizing, I think right now on my walk with the Lord it pertains to Him too. I pray, participate in the sacraments, talk to Him, listen to Him, but all on the outside of the garden wall.

 

I have always had some trust issues that go back to my childhood, but there was a point that my gate was wide open and I spent many years in my garden with God and others I trusted. Then it happened, I was hurt once again, so I pushed everybody out of my garden and locked it up tight. Through a lot of prayers, I have realized this, and there is a longing to allow Him and others back in, but I have not opened it in so long that I can’t seem to find the gate, it is buried so deep by the overgrowth of life.

I know if I want to be truly alive in His joy, I must cut away what is blocking the door and tend to my garden.

 

This will allow Him and others back into the garden of my heart. If I am to fully be a gift of self to others this is something I must do. It doesn’t mean I have to share everything that is in my garden, but I can at least start by letting people in.

Lord, help me to open the door to my heart so that You may tend to my hurts, disappointments, fears, and all else that is keeping me from experiencing the incredible joy You offer. Help me to let people in, put people in my life that are real and that I can be real with. Lord, thank you for not leaving even when I pushed You out of the garden!

Thank you for always maintaining that place in the garden that we could always meet even though I have failed to invite you!

Lord, today You’re invited, but I need help getting the gate open! 

Help me to be a total gift of self!

God is Love and We Are Created in His Image!

In my prayer time, I keep hearing LOVE…

In Genesis, we hear that God created us in His image, then in 1 John we hear that God is love! So my question to Christians is this. If God is love and we are created in His image, are we not also called to act in the image of God?

In Bishop Olmsted’s recent Apostolic Exhortation, Completing My Joy, he says, “Beyond the survival of the species and the society, though, the family is the irreplaceable center of love and of life. The nature of human beings is to need love as well as life! Love is not optional. “St. Thomas Aquinas, the Angelic Doctor, defined the word love this way, “Love is willing the good of the other.” This definition is simple, profound and very helpful. Love is one person willing the best, the good, for another, for the other’s sake.”

 

As I reflect on all of this I have to acknowledge that I myself am a very strong-willed, passionate person that loves the Catholic church and her teachings! Some may even find me somewhat of a radical. There have been times in my past that my passion for the truth (which I love) was not shared in a loving way. (which I don’t love) If I am, “Willing the good of the other,” then that means that I want what is best for them. It is not about me making my point, it is about sharing the truth with them out of love for them, love for who they are as a child of God.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have our moments, I know I do, but I find myself lately being so frustrated and confused by how hateful and harsh many peoples words are. It seems that social media has become the place to sprout our harsh feelings and justify it because… When I see a hateful post by people that I know to be very active Christians, it is really discouraging.  If we are to will the good of the other, don’t we want the truth to penetrate their heart vs. falling on a stone heart? When we choose to speak truth through ugliness, we are putting ourselves and our agenda before Christ and His desire to have every soul encounter Him!

This does not mean to condone or justify that which is wrong. It does not mean to sell out the truth, but it does mean to share the truth in love because we as Christians want to help ALL the souls that our Lord thirst for to find their way to Him!

 

Lord Jesus, I ask that you help me to soften the hearts of those that are far from you. Help me to speak the truth in love so that they may encounter You so deeply that they turn from the lies that have them captured.

Help me to be a total gift of self!

He Thirsts for Souls!

The other morning as I tried to do my morning prayer, I found myself very distracted! Some of the distractions were the normal things like what I had to get done that day, how am I going to get it all done, etc.  But my biggest distraction was my heavy heart. My heart aches for all of the darkness that is going on in this world.

As I journaled I thought of the recent news that I have been reading. The 10-year-old boy that took his own life (preceded by bullying because he had a colostomy bag), the woman in an incapacitated state that unexpectedly gave birth after being sexually assaulted by a nurse, the law passed by the state of New York to allow abortion up until birth, the scandals in churches, the hateful things that took place at “The March for Life,” and of course the hateful things that I read and see all over social media every day!

As I list these things and think about the many others I have not listed (the list would be too long.) I can’t deny, it is so tempting to give up hope on our society. Satan is working overtime and he is not going to stop! He will continue to work on destroying marriages, families, communities, etc. He wants every soul! Praise God that I know that the battle has already been won, God sent His only son to die for us, for our sins, the sins of ALL humanity, because He also wants our soul, but His reason is that He loves us!

As I talked to the Lord this morning in prayer I asked Him, “Lord why? Why is there so much darkness in our world today?” As I asked, I realized I already knew the answer, because so many have allowed God to become an afterthought. Instead of putting Him at the forefront of everything we say and do, so many of us put ourselves at the forefront. My next question to Him was, “What can I do to help, what can we Christians do to help?” The response that came to me in my heart and mind was one that is has been the answer to many of the questions I ask of Him. LOVE! To love!

The bishop of my former diocese would always say speak the truth but speak it in love. I feel that so many have lost that. We sprout our feelings and truth, but it is done in such a nasty tone. I do not believe that is the was to conquer darkness. Christ is the only way and He is love! He thirsts for souls, ALL souls not just some!

Lord Jesus, help me to speak the truth and be a witness of Your love so that hearts may be open to hearing the truth spoken and they will return to you.

Help me to be a total gift of self!

 

Feeling Inferior

I am reading this book about our calling as Catholic women.. At one point she mentions women feeling inferior to men. As I read this, I thought to myself, I do not feel inferior to men, but I do feel inferior to other women. She is in perfect shape, so thin and beautiful, she always looks perfectly put together, her house is always clean, she seems to have it all together spiritually, her family is perfectly behaved and participates in mass, she seems to be happy all of the time, she seems to connect better to people, etc.

YEP, I feel inferior to them! I am willing to bet money I am not the only one.

Why is that? Because I think we all feel this need to be strong and to not let others see our weaknesses.  We can’t let anybody know that our kids fight all of the time, that we yell at them when they do, that we are dry in our faith journey, that we feel distant from our lives, that our house is a disaster, that sometimes we would just prefer to stay in bed and pretend we are asleep so that we don’t have to deal with the day.

On those rare occasions that we may allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we wish we hadn’t because the person we were real with reaches out to other women and asks for prayers for us as they explain what we are going through. (Yes, women like to gossip and use asking for prayers as an excuse to do it guilt free).

Am I the only one that finds this exhausting?

Lord, help me not to compare myself to others, to know that my worth is found only in You. Help me to a true gift of self by just being the person you created me to be.

Distractions & Temptations

We all have distractions and temptations in life, but sometimes I think I forget where these usually come from!

I woke up early Friday morning and sat down to do my morning prayer. I was excited to have some coffee and prayer time first thing in the morning so that I could focus while the house was still quiet. The house is usually lively by the time I get back from my run with the kids being up and moving, but since Friday is the day I decided to take the kids with me I was going to do my prayer first and run later. 🙂

Sounds great, right? Yeah, not so much! I sat down and started with the daily readings which I had read over and over because I could not focus. When I tried to pray my mind was everywhere but prayer. This was not the first day like this, nor was it the last.

I have been asking myself what is going on? I have been taking better care of myself spiritually and physically. I have been more aware of trying to live in the moment, just being present. I have focused on going and spending time with the kids vs. always feeling like I have to get this done before I can do that. Yet I have been distracted during prayer, my mind flooded with ridiculous stuff that causes me turmoil and I have not had the desire to do much of anything. As one of my daughters would say, “What the hoopie!?”

Then I realized all of the things that I have been focusing on have been helping me draw closer to Christ, my husband, my kiddos, and grow in confidence in myself. This is the LAST thing that Satan wants! He wants to destroy families and to draw us away from Christ and all that is good. He uses what he knows our weaknesses to be in order to do this. I will NOT let him win, I will persevere!  When I am tempted not to pray, to run, to take time to do things with my family, etc. I will turn closer to Christ asking Him to give me the strength to do what I know I should.

This is what happens when I pay attention to His nudges.

Today I spent the morning at a football training camp with my kids and son-in-law. It was hot, but it was fun and it was incredible to be with them! As we sat in the bleachers my teenager and I looked at each other wiping 3 gallons of sweat off our faces as more ran down our backs. She made the comment about how hot it was and I was tempted to do the same until I looked over at my 9-year-old son sitting next to my son-in-law watching as the kicker kicked the ball over and over. My son was in heaven (I think my son-in-law was too.) 😉 I looked at my daughter and said this is love. 🙂

It was beautiful because each one of us in our own way was being a gift of self to others. Thank you, Lord, that my teenager still spends so much time with her family, that my son-in-law took the initiative to plan this for the kiddos, that I did not give in to the temptation to stay home and let them go on their own. Thank you for helping me to be a gift of self-today through loving those I encountered, especially my family!

This just reminds me to stay on my toes, because the closer we grow in relationship with Christ we can almost guarantee that Satan is going to try and derail us. To this, I say GET BEHIND ME SATAN! Saint Michael the Archangel defend us in battle!!

Pause and Be Thankful!

 

Recently I started getting up at 6:30 each morning to jog/walk. One thing I must first say is that this is a BIG thing for me as I am NOT a morning person and anything before 7:30 in pretty much unheard of! Do I enjoy doing it? Not particularly, I would much rather pour my cup of coffee, and sit down to do my morning prayer, but with me being almost 50 and my two youngest being 6 & 9, I need to stay healthy. 🙂

What I do enjoy about it, is my time alone. For 3 miles it’s me, the birds, and the crisp cool air. It gives me time to think and pray without interruptions. As a homeschooling mom I am with my kids all day every day, and when not with them I am usually with somebody else, so this time alone has been a blessing! Yesterday as we sat around the table for dinner (my older kids joined us) my 9 year old asked, “Mom, can we go on your morning walk with you?” I quickly responded, “No honey I am sorry but that is mommy time.” My husband joked how he is not even invited. Was I wrong to just want to be alone?

This morning I had an early morning appoint for one of my kids so I was unable to walk, I figured I would just do it when I got home. When I arrived back the younger kids immediately started asking if they could ride their bikes, “Later,” I said. My first inclination was to go on my walk and then let them ride when I got back. Then all of a sudden I had a sense that I should let them come! (I believe this was the Holy Spirit) So I got my shoes on and the 3 of us headed out, they rode their bikes and I walked.

 

As my son rode far ahead,  I jogged next to my daughter. The joy that seemed to overcome them was contagious, I couldn’t help but look at them and thank God for the beautiful gift of my children.  As I jogged along side of my beautiful little girl I suddenly realized that I had run a lot further than I normally do.

Running next to her seemed to have paced me better so that I could run farther w/o tiring. As I continued to reflect I once again thanked God for this blessing. The blessing of the nudging of the Holy Spirit, the blessing of my children and the blessing of the realization of needing to pace myself.

I need to pace myself, to take the time to pause so that I can truly acknowledge all of the gifts I have to be thankful for. I need to pace myself so that I can feel the nudgings of the Holy Spirit so that I can hear God when He speaks.  Most of the time I go, go, go and do not pace myself well at all in life. One of my favorite artists is Millet and his painting The Angelus hangs on my wall. I find it so beautiful that this man and women working in the field pause when they hear the church bells to pray the Angelus and thank God for their blessings.

Going forward I will still do my morning walks alone with the exception of Friday mornings. On Friday mornings I will take whoever wants to come with me. I will pace myself and share in their contagious joy and remind myself to pause and thank God for the beautiful blessings all around me!

As I am writing this I am sitting a park bench in our neighborhood watching my son wander around the pond looking for bugs, fish, and anything else that might spark his interest (which is pretty much everything) My daughter is climbing through the tunnels singing at the top of her lungs as I listen to the birds and feel the crisp breeze.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my heart in such a profound way today! Please help me to better be a true gift of self!

 

He Works even in Our Messes.

This picture has hung in my house for years. It is something that has always been a longing in my heart. For friends to drop by our house whenever they want, no notice needed.

The other day when my 28-year daughter was over she kind of chuckled and made the comment, “This has always cracked me up, it says friends are always welcome here, but you have always  hated when people just drop by without notice.” She was 100% right!

Why? Because my house always seems to be in total disarray! I have homeschooling stuff all over the table, toys on the floor, unfolded laundry on the couch, and very possibly dishes in the sink depending on the time of day.

I DO NOT want somebody dropping in and seeing my mess!

I am confident that I have allowed the messes in my house and life to cheat me and my family out many beautiful opportunities to experience and share Christ’s love! Those times where someone calls and leaves a message because they’re in the area and you don’t call back because your house is a mess and you don’t want them to drop by, or you’re invited to join a friend and their kids at the park and you don’t go because you’re just trying to get the mess in order.

Time and time again we hear in the gospels how Jesus took every opportunity He had to love. He would drop everything to be present to people. Are we not called to love as He loved? This is just another clear reminder of why I need to simplify my life, in those moments I am not only allowing Him to use me and my family to share His love with others or allowing Him to share His love with us through others.

I know this, but I must constantly remind myself that God works even in our messes! If I let go of pride, fear, and control and allow God to use me the way He wants I may find that my messes help someone else, that theirs help me, and that His love grows deeper in all of us.  I will swallow my pride and with all sincerity say, friends are always welcome here and mean it! I will still be embarrassed, I will still be tempted to let busyness prevent us from joining others on outings, but I choose to let go and let God use me even in my messes.

Lord, please help me to have the strength to be a true gift of self!

A Dream Come True

When I grow up I want to…

I worked outside of the home for most of my young adult life (until I was 40). I gave 100% to what I did, I loved the people I worked with (they were like family), and I was really good at my job. I had been with the company for 18 years and was part of its growth and change, but there was something missing.

About 9 years ago I was helping work a high school youth ministry girls retreat. One of the activities on the retreat was to cut words and pictures out of magazines and make a collage of your dreams.

Here is mine.

Yes, I still have it and it hangs on my wall in my bedroom. I had longed for years to move to the mid-west and buy a farm (or at least enough land to homestead.) To be an at home mom guided by the Holy Spirit, spending time with my kids making things from scratch and making every moment unforgettable.

I have gradually watched my dreams come true.

• Eight years ago, I quit working fulltime and went to part-time, when my boss asked me why I said, “Because I want to be an at home mom and homeschool my kids.” She thought I was crazy to give up my career for a dream like that.
• Six years ago I quit working completely and was loving homeschooling as I watch my family grow with another little one on the way.
• 5 years ago I moved to the mid-west.

You kind of get the picture. Since the move to the mid-west, my 2 oldest daughters have gotten married, one of them has a 2-year-old, with another on the way and the other one (still newlyweds) just moved across the country to join us in the mid-west.  I have watched all of these beautiful things take place in my life, these dreams come true.

Do you remember what I said in my last post?

“If I’m honest, I tend to do a lot of reflecting and soul-searching only to do nothing with it!” (The Real Deal)

I had one of those reflecting/soul-searching moments yesterday, as I was going through stuff and getting rid of things, trying to simplify as my heart still longs deeply for simplicity. Oh, and I can’t forget I need to get my house ready to put on the market so that hopefully someday I will get my farm. Yep, slap me now!

In my reflecting, I realized that instead of thanking God for all the gifts He has blessed me with I have been so focused on if I could just have my farm, and if I could just… I realized that even though my two youngest kids have me all day every day because I don’t work outside of the home and we homeschool, they actually have less of “me” than my older girls did when I worked out of the house fulltime. At this moment I realized I have to do something about this! I can not ignore what I believe God placed on my heart.

When I looked at the collage hanging on my wall I saw how many of my dreams I have watched unfold, but realized I have not been living them!

I had the wake-up call that I need to live each and every moment in the present, not the future or the past, but each and every minute as it takes place! I have my faith, my family, I live in the mid-west, and I am on a journey of simplification but starting today it’s so that we have fewer distractions and I can spend more quality time with my little ones and the rest of my family, more time in prayer, more time outside enjoying the beautiful seasons, and someday in God’s time as I am living my dreams a farm may find it’s way into my life just like everything else did.

Thank you, Lord, for all the gifts you have given me and the many ways that you continue to bless me. And thank you for allowing me to be hit by a brick ever so often so that what’s in my head reaches my heart. Help me Lord to be a true gift of self!

The Real Deal

If I’m honest, I tend to do a lot of reflecting and soul-searching only to do nothing with it!

One of the things I struggle with in life is trust. Why? Because it is hard when I look out at others and they and their families seem to have it all together. I fight the battle of trying not to feel like I have to fit into the image that people have of me or what I think they have of me. I would venture to say that I am not the only woman, wife, mother, or person in church ministry that feels this way.

I try my best to always be real! I think most of the time I succeed, however, there are times I fall into the trap.

One Sunday at Mass my youngest, who was four at the time started misbehaving. I did what all of us moms do, I bent over and quietly ask her to stop, and again, and again.  When she failed to do as I requested the previous 3 times, I bent over again and through my gritted teeth I told her to stop now or she would not get ice cream (Sunday is our ice cream day). All of this while trying not to let people around me know what was going on What was I thinking telling a four-year-old that she is not getting ice cream in the middle of the Homily! My next form of action was to grab my daughter and carry her down the center aisle of the church as quickly as possible as she kicked and screamed, “I want ice cream”. I thought if I can just get out the door I can get her calmed down. Nope, we had to head to the bathroom where my daughter was screaming so loud that I prayed nobody needed to come in. We made it back just in time for the end of communion. I went back and forth on whether I should receive because I was so full of anger and humiliation. I decided that I desperately needed the grace that I knew I would receive through receiving Our Lord and I asked Him to prepare my heart to do so. As we were leaving Mass a woman who I know through ministry approached me and said, “She is really growing up.” I looked at her like she had three heads saying, “Did you not see her throw a fit?” She clarified that she was referring to my teenager that had cantered at Mass, followed by a slight chuckle as she said, “I had to smile as you carried your daughter out, it is so nice to see that your kids are human.”

Because my husband works for the church, and our family is very active in ministry people tend to think we have it all together. Let me let you in on the best-kept secret, NOBODY has it ALL together! Not your priest, not the people who run the ministries, not your neighbor, or the family that looks like the could not get any holier. Everybody is on a journey and it can be tough to walk the journey alone.

I think that so often people do not realize what a beautiful gift they can be to others if they would just be real by sharing their brokenness, their struggles, and their success. I am not saying that you have to share all the dirt in your life, but by allowing others to know that they are not alone in the struggles we face, opens the door for you to share Christ’s love with them in a powerful way.

 

We have so many opportunities in life to truly be a gift of self to others, to journey with them on the road of life. Will you allow yourself to be that gift?

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton